Beads Seized by FDA at Import Docks Declared Illegal -
Contain Addictive Properties
Dateline Washington DC
In a renewed effort on the War on Drugs and Other Things that Might Be Addictive, the FDA recently seized an import of Japanese beads ranging from Delicas and 11/0s to triangles, 6/0s hex beads and more, claiming that the favorite among bead designers contained chemicals with possible addictive properties.
Spokesman Haam Struhng of the FDA stated “these beads contain something that we have determined to be addictive. Just look at them – once you start with a single color, you instantly feel the need to own them all. Some beaders get so far gone that they must not only have the colors in one bead style, but in ALL bead types!
This is a serious problem and is ruining budgets all over the US, including your town! Last November, the FDA began sending out operatives to various “bead shops” to investigate and to attempt to put a stop to this Menace. However, much of this campaign backfired. Says one former agent who preferred to remain anonymous “come on – if Marcus Amerman, Don Pierce and David Chatt can get so much attention by doing this then why shouldn’t I?”
Many of the female agents sent into the alleged “bead houses” never returned. It also seemed the larger the store, the worse the attrition. One female agent went to investigate a huge store in the San Diego area and was not seen again for three days. When she was finally tracked down she was found in a motel room on the outskirts of Yuma, holding 4 suitcases full of beads. The apparently half-mad woman evaded capture , mocking the Agents by shouting “I’m heading to Tucson with my expense account credit card” After backing up and pointing her vehicle towards the freeway, she rolled down her window and laughed, saying “Calgon’s got nothing on this bead stuff!” as she spun out in her “Liza Lou” Limited Edition Humvee. ”
The seats feel a bit uncomfortable the woman shouted over the roaring engine, “but so what – it’s beads” as she went skidding out of the parking lot, swinging a long hank of 11/0s over her head in a move reminiscent of that by Gina Davis’ character in the hit movie Thelma and Louise”.
This reporter got a glimpse of her bumper sticker “Bring Back Beadwork’s Bead Bash” it read and another said “Give me Embellishment or Give Me Beads”. A third, somewhat more aggressive logo stood out stating “Shut up and Bead”. Clearly, this woman is exhibiting a cry for help.
Several “recovery homes” have been established in some of the more dangerous states – those with a large bead store presence, but have discovered the level of security will need to be high “the beads are tiny” said one veteran Matron “these women think nothing of hiding their contraband beads in skin folds or taping them inside their clothes” she said with a sigh. Tensing up, she stated “visiting day is worst of all – they see these family members come dressed in jewelry and just go nuts.
One whole wing was torn up and someone showed the inmates how to make beads out of coffee grounds. It’s the worst duty I’ve pulled in 25 years in the Federal Prison System”.
Currently, the White House is lobbying to eliminate beads on the Internet, citing them a “a menace to otherwise productive men and women”. and stating “these Internet related peddlers of addictive substances must be stopped at all costs”.